The eternal question...

What to wear on a date?!  I think I'll have to go shopping tomorrow afternoon...

Nerves

I need to shut my brain up.  I'm over thinking and its making me nervous.  We left coffee yesterday in a good place after a first meeting, complete with backwards glances.  I wish we could meet again sooner than Wednesday but I can't really swing it easily.  I think that would help with the nerves though, if the first real date would be over soon...
This is incredibly disjointed because the worries and nerves are so nebulous I can't even articulate them properly!

Also Success!

One conversation has been going very well indeed however, so I think it deserves its own post :)
The single dad (henceforth referred to as SD) and I have been going backwards and forwards for a few days and having a good time doing so.  Today was in theory the day my children were with their father and I would be able to do errands etc but he messaged me this morning to say he was sick but still would take the kids for an hour or so so that I could do the stuff I needed to do. 
SD messaged and said he could grab a break when I was in town so when I got rid of the hangers on I gave him a buzz and we met for coffee.

I was so nervous I was shaking, I don't like meeting new people at the best of times but with the dating thing it is even harder.  Anyway, we found each other and sat down and talking was easy.  The conversation just flowed with no uncomfortable silences and the nerves disappeared.  We didn't have a lot of time because he had to get back to work and I had to get the kids again, but I'm glad we did.  Now I have less nerves about the date we arranged for next Wednesday :) 

online dating makes me laugh

So the chatting with the David Tennant guy hit a wall.  After having a discussion about when we were available etc and me saying I would see when I could organise a babysitter he suddenly can't tell me if he is available on the day we agreed on until that day...  So that has gone nowhere!

Then there was a fun one yesterday.  I recieved a message which included phrases such as

"building a yurt sounds like fun..
when i was young, i would have guitar lessons in a magnificent yurt out in the forest by a river ...

now am studying how to make applications for the iPad ... and it is like building a series of conceptual yurts, each with a garden of herbs that do different things. "

Which was a little odd but writing an initial message to someone you don't know is a bit weird in and of itself so I answered...  the reply was even better!

"you could actually move your yurt to another location..
super practicality, although i have no idea how..

thinking about this bring great concepts to my mind,
rather fortunate, as i must now go and do a programming exam...

gotta build those conceptual herb gardens around the collection of yurts.

i would love to hear your voice,
and talk about forests and crystal rivers..

my extra activity is creating organic dance rhythm and melody,
are you musical at all?
i bet you sing.."

At which point I thought 'Dude, you have taken waaayy to many drugs in your life' and blocked him...  

 

I did it

I joined Ok Cupid.  So far better than the other dating sites I used previously. 
I have chatted with a couple of guys so far, on a bit younger than me who I'll call DT cos he reminds me of David Tennant and a single father.
Both seem promising in different ways, hard to know with simply chatting online though and I am (I suspect) a bit hyper vigilant and distrustful to start with. 

Meeting people

Or more specifically, how to meet men?  My social circle consists almost entirely of people I have met through parenting...  Not suprisingly there is a distinct lack of available men! 
I've tried online dating in the past and found it frustrating, lots of work for very little reward really.  Part of that was possibly my lack of confidence in putting myself forward, but there was also the living in an area with a relatively small population and the tendency to scare them off by being independent that I have mentioned before.  (Apologies for that last sentence being so confusing...)

Last night was my free night away from the kids and I had dinner with a friend and her family then went to see Brave.  Driving back through town I contemplated going get a drink somewhere but it was midnight so all the places open were very full of people who were in groups and had been drinking for a while - a little intimidating to go into by myself! 

So I'm left with the conundrum - how to meet people?  Perhaps trying online dating again, if nothing else I'd get some amusing stories out of it I guess!

acceptable compromise

I have a question for you all.  Where is the line for you?  What are acceptable compromises to make in a relationship?  What would be unacceptable?

I realise that every one has different boundaries etc, but I'd love to know what others think anyway.  Coming from relationships where my boundaries were essentially non existant and I was the one making most of the compromises, I find it hard to define where boundaries should be...

So use the comments section and let me know!

Concessions

So in the shower this morning I was contemplating the concessions or compromises I am willing to make.  It would be unrealistic to think that any relationship, even a casual one, didn't require some compromising somewhere along the line...

I find it hard to say 'I will compromise on xyz'.  It is easy to say 'These are the things I won't give on' but the other way around....  not so much. 
I don't mind shaving my legs - I do that for myself every now and again any way.  But really I don't think I can say what I will compromise on with out the situation being in front of me. 

I hate to frame things in negative terms, but there are some lines I have to draw and these are those lines...
I am NOT willing to compromise on feminism.  I won't be shaving or waxing all my pubic hair.  I don't want any more kids.  The kids I have don't need a father. 

A text!

So late last night I received a text from Mr Your-Overthinking-It.  Strike one - texting me late at night - when you are aware that someone a) has kids and b) has to get up early every morning, texting late at night is not going to get you off to a good start.  The text thanked me for an awesome night, told me how busy his weekend at work had been and how he was still catching up on sleep and asked how things were going...

I did nothing when I got it.  The noise of the phone had woken me up - it doubles as my alarm clock so I don't turn it off over night - and I was tired so just went back to sleep.  This morning I thought about what to say as I milked the cow and feed the chickens and decided that I'd go with the part truth...

I replied that while I'd had a lovely night (and I did genuinely enjoy dinner while it was happening, it was only thinking back over the conversation that I picked up on the stuff that was out of whack) life was too short for me to spend time with people who thought the beliefs I base my life on are over thinking things and bitterness. 

His reply to that made me laugh - "I'm sorry I made you feel that way.  You are an amazing woman!"  My first reaction?  I don't need you to tell me I'm amazing!

I haven't replied again.  Its not a discussion I want to get into and I don't have to get into it either.  As I said to one of my friends - if I thought there was any chance he would at least attempt to get what I was saying (and the sex had been any good!) then it wouldn't have been such a big deal.  But the complete disregard for any thought that we live in a patriarchy and that women might get a rough go meant it wasn't going any where.  I know men who while I don't think they will ever get it as completely as a woman does (just as I can't know what it is like to live as a person of colour or a homosexual) they appreciate that they are in a position of power by default and that society reinforces their supposed superiority at all times - I know they exist! 

I was proud of myself too - for the first time I had no qualms about telling a guy that I didn't want to see him anymore.  I felt no need to justify myself, no guilt that I might be upsetting them.  I have stayed with people in the past who I had little to no feeling for because I didn't want to upset them so this is a big step for me!

Opps, is my feminism showing?

Following on from the articles I posted yesterday, various thoughts that have occured to me recently.
I tried online dating a while ago.  It was a bit of a disaster, living in a very small town and close to a small city the available pool was very small and I noticed a pattern happening.  The men I was talking to didn't really want  a strong woman.  They never came right out and said that, but used various back handed ways to get rid of me when I said something that demonstrated that strength. 

When I say I see myself as a strong woman I mean I am independent, capable, smart, confident and physically strong.  I know what I want from my life and I take steps to get it.  I live on a homestead and the fencing, cow milking and handling, pig handling, chicken handling fall mostly on myself and my female housemate.  Other chores like wood chopping, lawn mowing etc are shared between myself, my housemate and her husband.  I know how to build things and fix things.  I can look after myself and I don't need help.  If in the course of exchanging messages with men any of this came out - and I made no effort to hide who I am and what I do - then suddenly I'd be too outdoorsy, too busy, too...  feminist.  It became a good dickhead filter but sadly filtered out just about everybody. 

Which is why I like the interview I posted yesterday.  The question "what am I prepared to compromise on to have a relationship?" is one that comes up with every man I meet. 

I know what I want.  I want a pretty casual relationship.  I don't want or need a husband and my children don't need a father.  I have a busy life and limited amounts of energy and really it would just be nice to have company sometimes, someone just for me, and someone supportive.  It sounds pretty simple, but its the supportive bit that gets in the way.  Talk to men in general about feminism and they tend to get defensive.  Refuse to be a damsel in distress  and you are too strong. 

And these are things that I refuse to compromise on.  Feminism is the system that I build my life on, not some political viewpoint that can be changed.  Being able to support myself and do things for myself is a part of me, always has been and always will.  This doesn't mean I won't ask for help if I need it, but don't assume that I need help changing the oil in my car just because I have a vagina. 

This has all been a bit of a ramble, but I had to stop it banging around in my head somehow!  I'll leave it with another link. 

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/05/a-call-to-the-sacred-masculine-ten-daring-invitations-from-the-divine-feminine/