I read these blog posts ages ago, and they resonated with me back then, when I wasn't ready to be dating AT ALL. Now they do so even more.
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2010/03/26/dating-while-feminist/
http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/blogs/sexist/2010/03/26/fucking-while-feminist-with-jaclyn-friedman/
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
Important things to remember after a date
- 'I don't want to' is a valid reason to not go on another one, in and of itself, no justification needed.
- pampering myself after a date is just as important as doing it before hand. Dating is inherently judgmental I think. Comfortable as I am with my body, I still felt let down by it? by the impression it made? something any way. A bath tonight with a cup of tea and a book has bought me back into balance again, as well as easing the aches which come from having sex for the first time in 3 years!
- pampering myself after a date is just as important as doing it before hand. Dating is inherently judgmental I think. Comfortable as I am with my body, I still felt let down by it? by the impression it made? something any way. A bath tonight with a cup of tea and a book has bought me back into balance again, as well as easing the aches which come from having sex for the first time in 3 years!
The first leap
So the time was right. The kids started having regular overnight visits with their father which gave me a night off and I felt ready. So I contacted a guy I have known for 10 years, not a lot of contact in that time as he worked overseas for a long time. Not long after I had split with the x he had visited and there had been a moment, a spark. So I thought 'what the hell' and we arranged a date.
In the days leading up to the date there was a lot of flirting via online chat and things seemed to be going well. I was certainly looking forward to a night out and got ready at a friends place for maximum girly fun.
We went out to dinner in a lovely restaurant and at the time I was really enjoying myself. We flirted, talked about big issues, flirted some more... In the end we headed back to his place and the night went down hill.
Essentially we went from the car, to the bedroom to fucking. No lead up, no foreplay, no finesse... I wasn't totally into it but was giving him a chance, plus my last lover was 3 years ago, I had an itch to scratch. Sadly, even with direction it didn't improve, as I said, no finesse. A clitoris is a finely tuned instrument, not a freaking childs drum kit! There was also the 'concern' over my 'lack of grooming' - ie, I don't shave off my pubic hair. Normally I don't shave my legs or arm pits either, but I don't mind shaving my legs or pits occasionally whereas the whole brazilian thing REALLY doesn't float my boat. Apparently I was missing out on something as there would be no oral without shaving but by that point I wasn't concerned! I think it all came across as even worse because my last lover (while decidely Not a Good Guy) was a) able to make me orgasm by kissing and stroking my back and b) went down on me amazingly despite the full bush...
I stayed over, I trusted him enough to have left my car behind (I would not have done that if it had been anyone I didn't know would take 'no' for an answer and if I hadn't had enough money for a taxi if I needed it) and it was so cold the roads were covered in ice and I wouldn't have felt comfortable driving anyway. It was a fairly sleepless night, he snored and grunted and spluttered, plus I'm used to sleeping in the country where it is quiet and cars driving past were enough to wake me up. He dropped me off at my car very early so I could get home in time to milk the cow, still driving on roads so covered in ice they were white.
I won't be seeing him again. Apart from the really bad sex, during dinner he had dismissed my views on feminism and domestic violence as 'over thinking things' and 'being bitter'... Really? Tell a victim of domestic violence that she over thought it, its not really abuse if they don't hit you. Tell a woman who has just told you she is a feminist and that isn't going to change that it makes her bitter... I'm very glad that I have the filters to be able to see that now (three years ago I wouldn't have seen it at all and probably would have been talked into agreeing) but slightly annoyed with myself for not calling him on it then and there... Guess the itch was just too strong...
In the days leading up to the date there was a lot of flirting via online chat and things seemed to be going well. I was certainly looking forward to a night out and got ready at a friends place for maximum girly fun.
We went out to dinner in a lovely restaurant and at the time I was really enjoying myself. We flirted, talked about big issues, flirted some more... In the end we headed back to his place and the night went down hill.
Essentially we went from the car, to the bedroom to fucking. No lead up, no foreplay, no finesse... I wasn't totally into it but was giving him a chance, plus my last lover was 3 years ago, I had an itch to scratch. Sadly, even with direction it didn't improve, as I said, no finesse. A clitoris is a finely tuned instrument, not a freaking childs drum kit! There was also the 'concern' over my 'lack of grooming' - ie, I don't shave off my pubic hair. Normally I don't shave my legs or arm pits either, but I don't mind shaving my legs or pits occasionally whereas the whole brazilian thing REALLY doesn't float my boat. Apparently I was missing out on something as there would be no oral without shaving but by that point I wasn't concerned! I think it all came across as even worse because my last lover (while decidely Not a Good Guy) was a) able to make me orgasm by kissing and stroking my back and b) went down on me amazingly despite the full bush...
I stayed over, I trusted him enough to have left my car behind (I would not have done that if it had been anyone I didn't know would take 'no' for an answer and if I hadn't had enough money for a taxi if I needed it) and it was so cold the roads were covered in ice and I wouldn't have felt comfortable driving anyway. It was a fairly sleepless night, he snored and grunted and spluttered, plus I'm used to sleeping in the country where it is quiet and cars driving past were enough to wake me up. He dropped me off at my car very early so I could get home in time to milk the cow, still driving on roads so covered in ice they were white.
I won't be seeing him again. Apart from the really bad sex, during dinner he had dismissed my views on feminism and domestic violence as 'over thinking things' and 'being bitter'... Really? Tell a victim of domestic violence that she over thought it, its not really abuse if they don't hit you. Tell a woman who has just told you she is a feminist and that isn't going to change that it makes her bitter... I'm very glad that I have the filters to be able to see that now (three years ago I wouldn't have seen it at all and probably would have been talked into agreeing) but slightly annoyed with myself for not calling him on it then and there... Guess the itch was just too strong...
Thursday, June 28, 2012
So I'm a single mother, a feminist, an attachment parent, homeschool my children and live as simply as possible.
Its been three years since I was in a relationship and in that time I've deliberately been single. I wanted to be in a place that was healthy and strong.
Recently I decided that I wanted to start dating again, its not easy but hopefully it will be fun along the way!
Its been three years since I was in a relationship and in that time I've deliberately been single. I wanted to be in a place that was healthy and strong.
Recently I decided that I wanted to start dating again, its not easy but hopefully it will be fun along the way!
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